Forgiveness

What makes humans great is the ability to make up for mistakes and change for the most part. If the other person is willing to forgive you, you can talk about how you plan to do things differently so the same mistake doesn’t happen again. Then do it. Don’t just let it end at promises. Write down the things you are going to do differently if it helps you to remember them and stick to them. Hang it up where you will see it. If you don’t follow through, others may be less willing to forgive in the future – especially if it’s the same situation. 

Forgiveness may take time. The other person may want to forgive you, but there may be their own hurt and fear getting in the way. This might happen if they feel like you didn’t protect them or stick up for them or if you cheated on them. There is fear that the situation will be repeated – even if your behavior isn’t indicating that at the moment. This is because they were hurt and nothing can take that away right then. Being patient may be hard to do but that in addition to validating and supporting their feelings – and making your changes – will help to ease their pain and learn to trust again (more in next post).

Another part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Often, we feel that embarrassment and shame and when we know someone else is hurt because of our actions, it brings that shame back time and time again. However, nothing can take away the mistake and erase it. Accepting that you made the mistake, admitting to it, and making changes are the only way to improve. But forgiving yourself is also important. Otherwise, you’ll punish yourself time and again.

Admitting Mistakes

Nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. It’s much easier and feels much nicer to be right. But when it comes down to it, nobody is perfect. But even when we tell ourselves that rationally, everybody makes mistakes; it doesn’t take away the embarrassment of making that mistake. 

The fear that stops most people is that they may not be sure that someone else will forgive them. And because it takes a lot of guts and courage to admit to those mistakes, it’s an uncertainty that we often can’t predict the outcome. However, most people have found in the long run that others respect them more for admitting to their mistakes and they also respect themselves more. 

The number one thing to remember when admitting your mistakes is to acknowledge the effect on others. People rarely forgive or understand mistakes that others make if they are rationalizing their actions or making it about themselves. Examples might include, ‘I know this impacted you because it makes others view you/our relationship differently’ or ‘I can understand if you are upset but I’m hoping we can work through this’ or ‘I know how much these things meant to you and I hate that you must be hurting and I caused that hurt.’

One of the things about mistakes is the shame we feel inside. Everyone always has choices on how they handle this shame. You can choose to ignore the mistake and not own up to it. This puts you at a greater risk of repeating the mistake. Or you can own up to it and clear your conscience. Admitting the mistake is the first step at looking at what lead to the mistake and making changes for that mistake to never happen again.