Sarcasm

Sarcasm is used a lot – at least in current society. First and foremost, sarcasm can be funny. There’s no doubt about that. However, it’s only funny at certain times and, like any joke, it’s only funny if both people are laughing. Why do I clarify this? Because sarcasm can be demeaning and hurtful when used inappropriately.

Sarcasm is often used as the excuse when someone says something that hurts someone else. They say things like, ‘Lighten up. I was just joking’ or ‘I was just picking on you’ or ‘It was meant to be funny.’ The person may really have been joking or they may just be trying to cover up for their actual emotions or for their guilt over hurting someone. If you are the one using sarcasm and you hurt someone with it, apologize and hopefully they will forgive you (as we’ve discussed before). You didn’t mean it and hopefully the other person will understand. 

However, often people say they were being sarcastic because they don’t want to have a conflict about the real issue – whatever it may be. They or you may be using sarcasm in order to gauge the other person’s reaction or using it to hurt the other person because you feel hurt about something else. 

Sarcasm is never productive when used in this way. It’s one more filter and defense mechanism that is important to look out for in others as well as yourself. Using it to hurt the other person is not going to solve the problem. Hearing it used often from someone else so doesn’t seem to be validating that you were hurt by their comment might be an indication that someone else is going on.

Humor

I love humor. Although my sense of humor is cornier than most of society prefers. However, humor can be used in a variety of situations in order to ‘lighten the mood.’ Humor can be a powerful coping skill that helps those are depressed or anxious be able to alleviate moments of their overwhelming emotions. 

While there should be times to take things seriously, there also needs to be time to use humor appropriately in order to help yourself and others. Humor can be used in conversations to help facilitate emotional connections. Laughing together creates a bond.

Think about babies. Babies react to the emotions around them. They pick up on those emotions quickly. They learn to smile because others smile at them. They smile back when they see you smile. They laugh because you are laughing. They continue to do this through their toddler years as well. However, if you are mad, their emotion is confusion and fear – not anger.

I’m not saying that we has humans never develop past our basic emotional responses that we have as infants. But what I am saying is that we bond over positive emotions and experiences. Humor can bring these positive emotions and connections as well as experiences into a relationship faster. 

That doesn’t mean that you have to be a funny person. Share funny stories or jokes. Watch comical movies or shows together. Light hearts can make communication go easier because your mood is happier and you are more connected.

Review of 5 Languages of Love

Gary Chapman wrote a book titled ‘The Five Languages of Love.’ I bring up this book because I found it to be an excellent read – easy flowing. I also find the information valuable in and about relationships. 

Chapman has worked with couples for many years and has gathered information about the way that people give and receive love. He’s found that not everyone does this the same way. This is important knowledge because when you give love, you usually give it the way that you want it shown to you. But your partner may have a different language of love or a different dialect within the same language causing disappointment and feelings of un-love. 

Chapman reviews the languages of love and even has a ‘test’ in the back of the book to help you see which one you are and which one your partner is. The concept is that you need to show love to your partner the way that they receive/give/speak love in order for the feelings of love to stay there and continue to grow. 

I suggest that both partners read the book in order to fully understand. Or even read it together. Without feelings of love and connection between the two of you, the desire to communicate effectively and positively with either crash quickly or fail to even take off the ground.

Trust

Trust isn’t easy to rebuild after it’s been broken. Even with forgiveness, trust may not easily come back for most people. The biggest thing that breaks trust is hurt. Hurt from being betrayed, hurt from being lied to. 

We’ve already talked about the first steps on what one partner can do – admit to mistakes and make actions to change negative behavior and stick to those actions. What about the other partner? How do you build that trust back even if you are willing to forgive the mistake?

Sometimes it’s a leap of faith into trusting again. This means knowing that you want the relationship to succeed and forgiving as well as forgetting. This means that you do not hold the mistake over the other person’s head and ‘punish’ them for it by saying ‘You did this to me so you need to do this now’ or ‘You did this to me so I’m doing this now’ or ‘You owe it to me.’ That is not forgiveness. That is resentment and retaliation. Some people can make this huge leap of faith and not look back. 

However, most people cannot. Most people have to start with small leaps/steps. Learning to trust smaller actions and words and promises and working up to the larger ones. You still may be willing to forgive but the forgetting and trusting takes longer. Be open with your partner that you want to work through the mistake and trust again but you are hurt. If both of you are open and working together, it can help to heal the relationship well.

Forgiveness

What makes humans great is the ability to make up for mistakes and change for the most part. If the other person is willing to forgive you, you can talk about how you plan to do things differently so the same mistake doesn’t happen again. Then do it. Don’t just let it end at promises. Write down the things you are going to do differently if it helps you to remember them and stick to them. Hang it up where you will see it. If you don’t follow through, others may be less willing to forgive in the future – especially if it’s the same situation. 

Forgiveness may take time. The other person may want to forgive you, but there may be their own hurt and fear getting in the way. This might happen if they feel like you didn’t protect them or stick up for them or if you cheated on them. There is fear that the situation will be repeated – even if your behavior isn’t indicating that at the moment. This is because they were hurt and nothing can take that away right then. Being patient may be hard to do but that in addition to validating and supporting their feelings – and making your changes – will help to ease their pain and learn to trust again (more in next post).

Another part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Often, we feel that embarrassment and shame and when we know someone else is hurt because of our actions, it brings that shame back time and time again. However, nothing can take away the mistake and erase it. Accepting that you made the mistake, admitting to it, and making changes are the only way to improve. But forgiving yourself is also important. Otherwise, you’ll punish yourself time and again.