Sarcasm

Sarcasm is used a lot – at least in current society. First and foremost, sarcasm can be funny. There’s no doubt about that. However, it’s only funny at certain times and, like any joke, it’s only funny if both people are laughing. Why do I clarify this? Because sarcasm can be demeaning and hurtful when used inappropriately.

Sarcasm is often used as the excuse when someone says something that hurts someone else. They say things like, ‘Lighten up. I was just joking’ or ‘I was just picking on you’ or ‘It was meant to be funny.’ The person may really have been joking or they may just be trying to cover up for their actual emotions or for their guilt over hurting someone. If you are the one using sarcasm and you hurt someone with it, apologize and hopefully they will forgive you (as we’ve discussed before). You didn’t mean it and hopefully the other person will understand. 

However, often people say they were being sarcastic because they don’t want to have a conflict about the real issue – whatever it may be. They or you may be using sarcasm in order to gauge the other person’s reaction or using it to hurt the other person because you feel hurt about something else. 

Sarcasm is never productive when used in this way. It’s one more filter and defense mechanism that is important to look out for in others as well as yourself. Using it to hurt the other person is not going to solve the problem. Hearing it used often from someone else so doesn’t seem to be validating that you were hurt by their comment might be an indication that someone else is going on.

Humor

I love humor. Although my sense of humor is cornier than most of society prefers. However, humor can be used in a variety of situations in order to ‘lighten the mood.’ Humor can be a powerful coping skill that helps those are depressed or anxious be able to alleviate moments of their overwhelming emotions. 

While there should be times to take things seriously, there also needs to be time to use humor appropriately in order to help yourself and others. Humor can be used in conversations to help facilitate emotional connections. Laughing together creates a bond.

Think about babies. Babies react to the emotions around them. They pick up on those emotions quickly. They learn to smile because others smile at them. They smile back when they see you smile. They laugh because you are laughing. They continue to do this through their toddler years as well. However, if you are mad, their emotion is confusion and fear – not anger.

I’m not saying that we has humans never develop past our basic emotional responses that we have as infants. But what I am saying is that we bond over positive emotions and experiences. Humor can bring these positive emotions and connections as well as experiences into a relationship faster. 

That doesn’t mean that you have to be a funny person. Share funny stories or jokes. Watch comical movies or shows together. Light hearts can make communication go easier because your mood is happier and you are more connected.

Review of 5 Languages of Love

Gary Chapman wrote a book titled ‘The Five Languages of Love.’ I bring up this book because I found it to be an excellent read – easy flowing. I also find the information valuable in and about relationships. 

Chapman has worked with couples for many years and has gathered information about the way that people give and receive love. He’s found that not everyone does this the same way. This is important knowledge because when you give love, you usually give it the way that you want it shown to you. But your partner may have a different language of love or a different dialect within the same language causing disappointment and feelings of un-love. 

Chapman reviews the languages of love and even has a ‘test’ in the back of the book to help you see which one you are and which one your partner is. The concept is that you need to show love to your partner the way that they receive/give/speak love in order for the feelings of love to stay there and continue to grow. 

I suggest that both partners read the book in order to fully understand. Or even read it together. Without feelings of love and connection between the two of you, the desire to communicate effectively and positively with either crash quickly or fail to even take off the ground.

Being a Team

So often, couples are heard saying that they won this or that argument. It places each person against each other. Each fight is a battle while the relationship is a war. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. What do you think?

Being in a relationship is more often about being on the same team as each other instead of opposite sides. This is even truer if you are parents. 

If you think about it like a sports team, when you look down the line, your partner should be next to you, not across from you. Teams in sports have to work together in order to win the game. If they aren’t communicating or working together, they tend to be losing the game more often than winning. 

Not only do teams work and communicate in order to win the game, but they also practice. Couples can practice appropriate communication at times when they are not angry so that when they do get angry, they have the words ready and they’ve become a habit.

Staying Focused

When discussing things that are a concern, we often start bringing up old arguments, situations, and experiences that may or may not have anything to do with what is happening currently. It’s important to try to stay away from this as much as possible and I’ll explain why.

When you bring up several situations – whether they are similar or not – it can muddle the discussion and confuse the other person. They tend to lose thread or reason of the discussion (the concern). This often results in the concern not being addressed. If your goal is to solve the problem, stop yourself from overwhelming the other person.

Furthermore, if you and your partner are trying to change your communication patterns, bringing up old arguments that weren’t part of that new attempt will not help keep both of you on track. Old arguments often have no grounds when changing your communication styles because in those arguments, no one was using positive attempts at problem solving. 

If you are the person who is engaged in a discussion and the other person starts pulling example after example out of past experiences, ask them politely to stop. Let me know that you hear their concern but you would appreciate if they would stick to the current situation so that you can work together to solve the problem for the future.

When it comes down to it, if you are concerned about making sure it doesn’t repeat, “venting” or repeating several incidences of the other person’s ‘mistakes’ isn’t solving anything. It’s just complaining.