Sarcasm

Sarcasm is used a lot – at least in current society. First and foremost, sarcasm can be funny. There’s no doubt about that. However, it’s only funny at certain times and, like any joke, it’s only funny if both people are laughing. Why do I clarify this? Because sarcasm can be demeaning and hurtful when used inappropriately.

Sarcasm is often used as the excuse when someone says something that hurts someone else. They say things like, ‘Lighten up. I was just joking’ or ‘I was just picking on you’ or ‘It was meant to be funny.’ The person may really have been joking or they may just be trying to cover up for their actual emotions or for their guilt over hurting someone. If you are the one using sarcasm and you hurt someone with it, apologize and hopefully they will forgive you (as we’ve discussed before). You didn’t mean it and hopefully the other person will understand. 

However, often people say they were being sarcastic because they don’t want to have a conflict about the real issue – whatever it may be. They or you may be using sarcasm in order to gauge the other person’s reaction or using it to hurt the other person because you feel hurt about something else. 

Sarcasm is never productive when used in this way. It’s one more filter and defense mechanism that is important to look out for in others as well as yourself. Using it to hurt the other person is not going to solve the problem. Hearing it used often from someone else so doesn’t seem to be validating that you were hurt by their comment might be an indication that someone else is going on.

Humor

I love humor. Although my sense of humor is cornier than most of society prefers. However, humor can be used in a variety of situations in order to ‘lighten the mood.’ Humor can be a powerful coping skill that helps those are depressed or anxious be able to alleviate moments of their overwhelming emotions. 

While there should be times to take things seriously, there also needs to be time to use humor appropriately in order to help yourself and others. Humor can be used in conversations to help facilitate emotional connections. Laughing together creates a bond.

Think about babies. Babies react to the emotions around them. They pick up on those emotions quickly. They learn to smile because others smile at them. They smile back when they see you smile. They laugh because you are laughing. They continue to do this through their toddler years as well. However, if you are mad, their emotion is confusion and fear – not anger.

I’m not saying that we has humans never develop past our basic emotional responses that we have as infants. But what I am saying is that we bond over positive emotions and experiences. Humor can bring these positive emotions and connections as well as experiences into a relationship faster. 

That doesn’t mean that you have to be a funny person. Share funny stories or jokes. Watch comical movies or shows together. Light hearts can make communication go easier because your mood is happier and you are more connected.

Being a Team

So often, couples are heard saying that they won this or that argument. It places each person against each other. Each fight is a battle while the relationship is a war. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. What do you think?

Being in a relationship is more often about being on the same team as each other instead of opposite sides. This is even truer if you are parents. 

If you think about it like a sports team, when you look down the line, your partner should be next to you, not across from you. Teams in sports have to work together in order to win the game. If they aren’t communicating or working together, they tend to be losing the game more often than winning. 

Not only do teams work and communicate in order to win the game, but they also practice. Couples can practice appropriate communication at times when they are not angry so that when they do get angry, they have the words ready and they’ve become a habit.

Trust After Cheating

In relationships, one of the biggest actions that break trust is cheating – whether that’s a physical affair or inappropriate texts/conversations with another person or even an emotional connection that starts to take the place of the one that you have with your partner. Many people wonder how others can stay with someone who has cheating on them. However, sometimes when you have been cheated on, there are so many factors that are influencing your thoughts and emotions. 

If both people want the relationship, both may have to make sacrifices to get through the time of healing. I say both, because trust needs to go both ways and the rebuilding of the relationship has to happen on both ends. Sometimes negative patterns in the relationship has caused one or both partners to seek positive attention and affection elsewhere. I’m not saying this is the right way to handle the situation; I’m just saying that this is sometimes what happens. Finding out what was missing within the relationship leads to both partners making changes to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

However, as for trust, there may be certain things that the other partner wants to do temporarily in order to alleviate anxiety that comes with broken trust. This could be on a spectrum of checking the other person’s phone, replying to text messages after work hours more quickly, being clear about what activities are being engaged in, checking in more often when running late, not going to a certain place or activity without the partner. These things will be time limited and may be revised or revisited every so often to see how the trust is building or not building.

Trust

Trust isn’t easy to rebuild after it’s been broken. Even with forgiveness, trust may not easily come back for most people. The biggest thing that breaks trust is hurt. Hurt from being betrayed, hurt from being lied to. 

We’ve already talked about the first steps on what one partner can do – admit to mistakes and make actions to change negative behavior and stick to those actions. What about the other partner? How do you build that trust back even if you are willing to forgive the mistake?

Sometimes it’s a leap of faith into trusting again. This means knowing that you want the relationship to succeed and forgiving as well as forgetting. This means that you do not hold the mistake over the other person’s head and ‘punish’ them for it by saying ‘You did this to me so you need to do this now’ or ‘You did this to me so I’m doing this now’ or ‘You owe it to me.’ That is not forgiveness. That is resentment and retaliation. Some people can make this huge leap of faith and not look back. 

However, most people cannot. Most people have to start with small leaps/steps. Learning to trust smaller actions and words and promises and working up to the larger ones. You still may be willing to forgive but the forgetting and trusting takes longer. Be open with your partner that you want to work through the mistake and trust again but you are hurt. If both of you are open and working together, it can help to heal the relationship well.