Thoughts > Feelings > Actions

One thing that most people don’t realize is how powerful our thoughts are. Our thoughts impact our feelings which impact our reactions – verbal or physical behavior. So it makes sense that if we can isolate our thoughts and change them or address the main thought, we can improve our feelings and reactions.

This is why in the post about anger management I discussed asking yourself what is making you angry as well as the breathing. This will help to slow down your responses and pay more attention to the thoughts. 

A lot of people don’t think we can address our thoughts. I recognize the difficulty in pinpointing the thought that has lead to the feeling and reaction because I know that we are constantly having thoughts throughout the day. They are innumerable! However, most of our thoughts come down to some sort of expectation on us or others. These expectations are what influence our feelings. If we or someone meets those expectations, we are happy. If they don’t, we have other feelings of disappointment, regret, hurt, anger, frustration, etc.

For instance, here are some examples:

Your child might be angry because you took away his game system. His expectation is that you shouldn’t take away his game system.

You get frustrated when a co-worker isn’t completing their part of the project. Your expectation is that they should do their part.

Your partner doesn’t do the dishes. Your expectation is that they should do the dishes.

Yes, there are certain expectations that a lot of people think are a no-brainer. But an expectation can only be followed through on if two conditions exist:

1)      The other person knows about the expectation

2)      The other person agrees to follow through on the expectations

If the other person doesn’t know that you expect something out of them, they can’t know to meet that expectation. Additionally, if they don’t agree with the expectation, they most likely aren’t going to do it.

The key is to focus on the things that you can control – your behavior and reaction. The things that you can’t control – other people’s behavior and reactions – aren’t worth it in the end to upset yourself with.

Stress Management

We constantly worry about things in life. Whether we’re going to get to where we are going on time; if we picked the right gift; if we made the right choice; did we pack everything we’ll need? Will this project turn out right? etc etc. Where does this worry come from? 

Worry comes from the unknown – and sometimes fear of that unknown. It can be a good thing to be stressed for some people. Those people say they do their best work under pressure. However, for most people, that just isn’t true. First of all, we already learned that our emotions impact our physical body and stress is one that definitely impacts our body negatively in heart conditions (due to increase blood pressure), lack of appetite or increased appetite, and loss of sleep.

The coping skills in the last post will help you to decrease that worry – and anxiety is one emotion that is best soothed with rhythm (think about when people tap their feet or shake their leg – out bodies naturally want that soothing motion!) so especially focus on music, exercising, stress ball, or chewing gum. But be creative for yourself and don’t limit yourself to just those ideas.

There are some other ways to deal with stress and worry.

-          Prioritize tasks: Make yourself a to-do list. Schedule 5-10 minutes at the end of your day before leaving work to make your to-do list for the next day. Think about how much time it will take to do each task. Schedule that time in. This way, you aren’t thinking about it all night when at home with friends and family. Ask yourself which tasks absolutely have to be done that day and do them first. Any other ones can be scheduled in the following day.

-          Make bigger tasks into smaller steps: When we accomplish something, we get a rush – a rush of adrenaline, a rush of satisfaction. This ‘rush’ helps us to feel good and want to continue. It can give you an added boost to complete the rest of your to-do list. This is why it might be a great idea to take some of those bigger tasks and break them down. For example, instead of having a broad ‘clean the kitchen.’ You can break it into:

o   Wipe off the table

o   Wash the dishes

o   Clean the stove

o   Wipe counters

o   Sweep

o   Mop

This can make it feel like you are actually accomplishing what is on your list (which you are!). Also, you might be able to fit the smaller tasks into more manageable blocks of time. Say you know a work project is going to take you 10 hours. Who wants to sit down and work straight through 10 hours on one project? Instead, you can break it into smaller tasks and break up the time you are spending on it at one time. Don’t become overwhelmed by how much longer your list looks – you will be getting through it a lot more quickly!

-          Schedule breaks: No one’s brain can be work, work, work all day or study, study, study all night. You have to give your brain time to rest. It’s usually recommended to take a 15 minute break for every 2 hours or 8-10 minutes every hour. Do something non-work related during that time. If you tend to get side-tracked easily, set an alarm on your phone or a kitchen timer and when that goes off, you get back to work or studying.

-          Worry time: If you find yourself constantly worrying throughout the day and having that anxiety, schedule yourself worry time. This is 10-20 minutes that you put in your day that you allow yourself to worry. No other time. If you catch yourself worrying at another time, you tell yourself that you will worry about it at worry time and continue with what you are doing. Sounds weird, but try it!

-          Focus on what you can control: Stop worry about things that you have no control over. It’s a waste of time. Why? Because nothing you do will change the outcome. Worried that it might rain at your child’s outdoor party? You can’t control that. Just prepare as much as possible – everyone will still have fun!