Conflict Resolution – Agreed Solution

However, let’s say that the other person does respond appropriately whether the first time or eventually. There’s still a ‘then what?’ All is well and perfect if the other person agrees to try your solution. Then, it’s just a matter of evaluating periodically if the solution is working for both parties. You can evaluate within yourself to see if you notice the change in the other’s behavior and to ask yourself how it makes you feel (good, bad, neutral). Did it solve your concerns? 

It’s important to also ask the other person how they feel the solution is going at different intervals. This helps to prevent any unshared negative emotions from building up and causing other problems or resentment. If you are happy with the results, you can preface this by saying something like, ‘I just want to make sure you are as happy as I am with this solution to (whatever the concern was). I noticed you were doing (changed behavior).’ This helps take the pressure off of someone else that might not be comfortable sharing negative emotions or concerns.

What if you aren’t satisfied with the results? It’s important to share that too and deal with any emotions. You might bring it up by saying something like, ‘I know we talked about changing (say the change). I hate to say this but I don’t think it’s working for me. I’m still feeing (name your feeling) when (this happens). What do you think?’ You are using the format of the ‘I’ statement again but recognizing that the other person did make a great effort in participating in the solution. It might take a couple different tried solutions in order to come to one that works for the both of you. But try them! Even if you don’t think it will work, it might be worth the try and effort.

Conflict Resolution – Chaotic Response

Over the next couple of days, we’ll be discussing what happens after the ‘I’ statement and attempt at the conflict resolution in an appropriate way. There may be a couple different responses. You may hope that the other person will readily agree to your solution and that is the easiest outcome but not always the one that you received. The other person may not agree to the solution. However, the first one we will discuss is if the other person gives you a ‘chaotic’ response. 

Not everyone responds well to ‘I’ statements at first. Why? Some people may have a jealousy that you are able to control your anger enough to do this. They may respond in a chaotic manner. This will most likely be anger in response through yelling and invalidation to your emotions or concerns. This results in no solution which can be frustrating. 

At this point, it’s best to exit the conversation/situation. No good can come from arguing (see Anger Management post). I wouldn’t hold this first response against them since they may be unused to this new way of presenting information. It takes sometimes takes others time to respond to new behavior because they have been expecting the old behavior and responses. However, if they continue to respond badly and with no progress to solving the concerns, you may need to seek outside help or decide whether it’s worth it to be in a relationship where the other person never really listens to you. There may be other things that are worth that sacrifice and only you can decide.

Thoughts > Feelings > Actions

One thing that most people don’t realize is how powerful our thoughts are. Our thoughts impact our feelings which impact our reactions – verbal or physical behavior. So it makes sense that if we can isolate our thoughts and change them or address the main thought, we can improve our feelings and reactions.

This is why in the post about anger management I discussed asking yourself what is making you angry as well as the breathing. This will help to slow down your responses and pay more attention to the thoughts. 

A lot of people don’t think we can address our thoughts. I recognize the difficulty in pinpointing the thought that has lead to the feeling and reaction because I know that we are constantly having thoughts throughout the day. They are innumerable! However, most of our thoughts come down to some sort of expectation on us or others. These expectations are what influence our feelings. If we or someone meets those expectations, we are happy. If they don’t, we have other feelings of disappointment, regret, hurt, anger, frustration, etc.

For instance, here are some examples:

Your child might be angry because you took away his game system. His expectation is that you shouldn’t take away his game system.

You get frustrated when a co-worker isn’t completing their part of the project. Your expectation is that they should do their part.

Your partner doesn’t do the dishes. Your expectation is that they should do the dishes.

Yes, there are certain expectations that a lot of people think are a no-brainer. But an expectation can only be followed through on if two conditions exist:

1)      The other person knows about the expectation

2)      The other person agrees to follow through on the expectations

If the other person doesn’t know that you expect something out of them, they can’t know to meet that expectation. Additionally, if they don’t agree with the expectation, they most likely aren’t going to do it.

The key is to focus on the things that you can control – your behavior and reaction. The things that you can’t control – other people’s behavior and reactions – aren’t worth it in the end to upset yourself with.

Anger Management

Remember, our goal is for overall life wellness and we are working toward keeping our mind, body, and spirit in harmony. The first two parts to work together are the mind and body – spirit is closer to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We will get there. But anger is important because of the impact that anger can have on our bodies and it’s completely manageable.

But first, part of managing anger is learning to recognize the signs that you are angry. Everybody’s signs can be different. Some people get red faces (this is the blood rushing to your face b/c the pressure went up), sweaty palms, faster beating heart (adrenaline – not good for your body!), shaking body parts, clenched jaw, inability to speak, feeling like your head is about to pop, increased breathing… those are just a few. If you can recognize the signs, you can address the anger faster. At this point, it might be best to walk away and try one of those coping skills we talked about before. This way you give yourself time to calm down before you say or do something you might regret.

Another reason to pay attention to the signs is for you to say to yourself, “My face is feeling hot which means I’m starting to get angry. What is making me angry?” So what does make us angry? Is it when someone else is yelling at us? Is it when we got a bad review from someone else? Is it because there’s traffic? Knowing what situation is making you angry is recognizing your triggers. It’s important to know your triggers so that you can learn to respond differently to them. 

When you see a trigger happening or being discussed, you can exit the situation before it brings your emotions to anger. This can be by leaving or by asking the people you are with to change the topic. The most important thing to do is to breath – slowly. This will help to keep your heart rate as low as possible. As you breathe, tell yourself, ‘don’t respond without thinking.’