Thoughts > Feelings > Actions

One thing that most people don’t realize is how powerful our thoughts are. Our thoughts impact our feelings which impact our reactions – verbal or physical behavior. So it makes sense that if we can isolate our thoughts and change them or address the main thought, we can improve our feelings and reactions.

This is why in the post about anger management I discussed asking yourself what is making you angry as well as the breathing. This will help to slow down your responses and pay more attention to the thoughts. 

A lot of people don’t think we can address our thoughts. I recognize the difficulty in pinpointing the thought that has lead to the feeling and reaction because I know that we are constantly having thoughts throughout the day. They are innumerable! However, most of our thoughts come down to some sort of expectation on us or others. These expectations are what influence our feelings. If we or someone meets those expectations, we are happy. If they don’t, we have other feelings of disappointment, regret, hurt, anger, frustration, etc.

For instance, here are some examples:

Your child might be angry because you took away his game system. His expectation is that you shouldn’t take away his game system.

You get frustrated when a co-worker isn’t completing their part of the project. Your expectation is that they should do their part.

Your partner doesn’t do the dishes. Your expectation is that they should do the dishes.

Yes, there are certain expectations that a lot of people think are a no-brainer. But an expectation can only be followed through on if two conditions exist:

1)      The other person knows about the expectation

2)      The other person agrees to follow through on the expectations

If the other person doesn’t know that you expect something out of them, they can’t know to meet that expectation. Additionally, if they don’t agree with the expectation, they most likely aren’t going to do it.

The key is to focus on the things that you can control – your behavior and reaction. The things that you can’t control – other people’s behavior and reactions – aren’t worth it in the end to upset yourself with.