Changing Expectations

After you have all of your information or even if you don’t have a lot, changing your expectations is the next step. You can do this in your head or you can write it out if you tend to be more visual. We already talked about recognizing what the expectations is. If the expectation was that they ‘should’ hold you when you are upset, say to yourself, ‘It would be nice if they would hold me, but I can get similar comfort by coming home and laying in bed by myself for 5-10 minutes. Then I can go and talk to him/her.’ Again, write it down if you need to. 

Reframing the expectation includes words such as ‘It would be nice if (this happened)...’ or ‘I wish they would (do this) but…’ The first part is taking the ‘should/should not’ out of the expectation/demand. The second part is phrasing how you are going to handle it by yourself. This is almost like the solution part of an ‘I’ statement but only in regards to yourself – not anyone else.

Just because you reframe your thought doesn’t mean that it just disappears though it does help to relax the expectation. It takes saying the new through over and over to yourself at times that the expectation comes up – and especially if you start feeling a reaction to your expectation. You may need to share with your partner how your progress is going. This way if you do get upset, they know you are working on it and might be able to provide you support and decrease their reaction to your feelings. Nobody is perfect and hopefully your partner doesn't just expect you to drop your thoughts, feelings, expectations, and reactions immediately. It's a process that takes time - just like their changes will take time as well.

Conflict Resolution – Chaotic Response

Over the next couple of days, we’ll be discussing what happens after the ‘I’ statement and attempt at the conflict resolution in an appropriate way. There may be a couple different responses. You may hope that the other person will readily agree to your solution and that is the easiest outcome but not always the one that you received. The other person may not agree to the solution. However, the first one we will discuss is if the other person gives you a ‘chaotic’ response. 

Not everyone responds well to ‘I’ statements at first. Why? Some people may have a jealousy that you are able to control your anger enough to do this. They may respond in a chaotic manner. This will most likely be anger in response through yelling and invalidation to your emotions or concerns. This results in no solution which can be frustrating. 

At this point, it’s best to exit the conversation/situation. No good can come from arguing (see Anger Management post). I wouldn’t hold this first response against them since they may be unused to this new way of presenting information. It takes sometimes takes others time to respond to new behavior because they have been expecting the old behavior and responses. However, if they continue to respond badly and with no progress to solving the concerns, you may need to seek outside help or decide whether it’s worth it to be in a relationship where the other person never really listens to you. There may be other things that are worth that sacrifice and only you can decide.

Anger Management

Remember, our goal is for overall life wellness and we are working toward keeping our mind, body, and spirit in harmony. The first two parts to work together are the mind and body – spirit is closer to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We will get there. But anger is important because of the impact that anger can have on our bodies and it’s completely manageable.

But first, part of managing anger is learning to recognize the signs that you are angry. Everybody’s signs can be different. Some people get red faces (this is the blood rushing to your face b/c the pressure went up), sweaty palms, faster beating heart (adrenaline – not good for your body!), shaking body parts, clenched jaw, inability to speak, feeling like your head is about to pop, increased breathing… those are just a few. If you can recognize the signs, you can address the anger faster. At this point, it might be best to walk away and try one of those coping skills we talked about before. This way you give yourself time to calm down before you say or do something you might regret.

Another reason to pay attention to the signs is for you to say to yourself, “My face is feeling hot which means I’m starting to get angry. What is making me angry?” So what does make us angry? Is it when someone else is yelling at us? Is it when we got a bad review from someone else? Is it because there’s traffic? Knowing what situation is making you angry is recognizing your triggers. It’s important to know your triggers so that you can learn to respond differently to them. 

When you see a trigger happening or being discussed, you can exit the situation before it brings your emotions to anger. This can be by leaving or by asking the people you are with to change the topic. The most important thing to do is to breath – slowly. This will help to keep your heart rate as low as possible. As you breathe, tell yourself, ‘don’t respond without thinking.’

Stress Management

We constantly worry about things in life. Whether we’re going to get to where we are going on time; if we picked the right gift; if we made the right choice; did we pack everything we’ll need? Will this project turn out right? etc etc. Where does this worry come from? 

Worry comes from the unknown – and sometimes fear of that unknown. It can be a good thing to be stressed for some people. Those people say they do their best work under pressure. However, for most people, that just isn’t true. First of all, we already learned that our emotions impact our physical body and stress is one that definitely impacts our body negatively in heart conditions (due to increase blood pressure), lack of appetite or increased appetite, and loss of sleep.

The coping skills in the last post will help you to decrease that worry – and anxiety is one emotion that is best soothed with rhythm (think about when people tap their feet or shake their leg – out bodies naturally want that soothing motion!) so especially focus on music, exercising, stress ball, or chewing gum. But be creative for yourself and don’t limit yourself to just those ideas.

There are some other ways to deal with stress and worry.

-          Prioritize tasks: Make yourself a to-do list. Schedule 5-10 minutes at the end of your day before leaving work to make your to-do list for the next day. Think about how much time it will take to do each task. Schedule that time in. This way, you aren’t thinking about it all night when at home with friends and family. Ask yourself which tasks absolutely have to be done that day and do them first. Any other ones can be scheduled in the following day.

-          Make bigger tasks into smaller steps: When we accomplish something, we get a rush – a rush of adrenaline, a rush of satisfaction. This ‘rush’ helps us to feel good and want to continue. It can give you an added boost to complete the rest of your to-do list. This is why it might be a great idea to take some of those bigger tasks and break them down. For example, instead of having a broad ‘clean the kitchen.’ You can break it into:

o   Wipe off the table

o   Wash the dishes

o   Clean the stove

o   Wipe counters

o   Sweep

o   Mop

This can make it feel like you are actually accomplishing what is on your list (which you are!). Also, you might be able to fit the smaller tasks into more manageable blocks of time. Say you know a work project is going to take you 10 hours. Who wants to sit down and work straight through 10 hours on one project? Instead, you can break it into smaller tasks and break up the time you are spending on it at one time. Don’t become overwhelmed by how much longer your list looks – you will be getting through it a lot more quickly!

-          Schedule breaks: No one’s brain can be work, work, work all day or study, study, study all night. You have to give your brain time to rest. It’s usually recommended to take a 15 minute break for every 2 hours or 8-10 minutes every hour. Do something non-work related during that time. If you tend to get side-tracked easily, set an alarm on your phone or a kitchen timer and when that goes off, you get back to work or studying.

-          Worry time: If you find yourself constantly worrying throughout the day and having that anxiety, schedule yourself worry time. This is 10-20 minutes that you put in your day that you allow yourself to worry. No other time. If you catch yourself worrying at another time, you tell yourself that you will worry about it at worry time and continue with what you are doing. Sounds weird, but try it!

-          Focus on what you can control: Stop worry about things that you have no control over. It’s a waste of time. Why? Because nothing you do will change the outcome. Worried that it might rain at your child’s outdoor party? You can’t control that. Just prepare as much as possible – everyone will still have fun!

Coping Skills

Coping skills are kind of like relaxation skills but they have a different reason for use, a different purpose. Relaxation skills are to decrease the level of stress and hence your responses to stress (both mental and physical) over time. Coping skills are for the in-the-moment, more short-term, cues to calm down. Coping skills can provide a distraction from something so that your emotions don’t become overwhelming because when our emotions do become overwhelming, we do actions and say words that we usually regret later.

For both relaxation and coping, you need to find what works for you and what I provide is by no means all inclusive but they can be like extra tools in your toolbox - something you can try in order to see if it helps fix the problem. If it doesn't work, then you can try a different tool. Here is a list of some common ones:

• Stress ball: you can buy one or make one from a balloon filled with sand. The idea is the resistance that it provides as you squeeze it - imitating the same type of tension vs relaxed muscles as the PMR
• Gum - chewing gum can have some negative side effects done extensively, but it can also help relax. It serves two purposes. There again is the tension vs relaxing of the jaw muscles as you chew but also there's a rhythm to most people's chewing. Our bodies respond to rhythms and it helps to decrease anxiety and other overwhelming emotions.
• Coloring, scribbling, drawing, painting
• Jigsaw puzzles, Crossword puzzles, word searches, sudoku - something to keep the mind focused and away from what is creating the emotions
• Focused breathing (described in Relaxation post)
• Counting: By 1’s, 5’s, 3’s, counting things, counting sounds
• Tasks/chores: Keeps your body active in order to help keep your mind off of what is bothering you until you get to a point where you have calmed down enough to process the events appropriately.
• Funny pictures, jokes, funny memories - things that make you laugh and increase the positive emotions. The positive feelings can help you handle the negative emotions better and might even help you think about the situation more rationally instead of through your emotions.
• Reading
• Writing
• Gardening
• Exercise 
• Music - rhythm

Coping skills are not intended for you to use in order to avoid the real problem or concern (whether it's in regards to your self or another person). They are only to help gain better control over your emotions so you can approach the problem or concern with better understanding and clarity. 

What are some things you could do to cope?