Changing Expectations

After you have all of your information or even if you don’t have a lot, changing your expectations is the next step. You can do this in your head or you can write it out if you tend to be more visual. We already talked about recognizing what the expectations is. If the expectation was that they ‘should’ hold you when you are upset, say to yourself, ‘It would be nice if they would hold me, but I can get similar comfort by coming home and laying in bed by myself for 5-10 minutes. Then I can go and talk to him/her.’ Again, write it down if you need to. 

Reframing the expectation includes words such as ‘It would be nice if (this happened)...’ or ‘I wish they would (do this) but…’ The first part is taking the ‘should/should not’ out of the expectation/demand. The second part is phrasing how you are going to handle it by yourself. This is almost like the solution part of an ‘I’ statement but only in regards to yourself – not anyone else.

Just because you reframe your thought doesn’t mean that it just disappears though it does help to relax the expectation. It takes saying the new through over and over to yourself at times that the expectation comes up – and especially if you start feeling a reaction to your expectation. You may need to share with your partner how your progress is going. This way if you do get upset, they know you are working on it and might be able to provide you support and decrease their reaction to your feelings. Nobody is perfect and hopefully your partner doesn't just expect you to drop your thoughts, feelings, expectations, and reactions immediately. It's a process that takes time - just like their changes will take time as well.