Assertiveness

You’re probably heard that word before – assertive. You probably even heard passive and aggressive with assertive. You may even have used the term passive-aggressive. You might know what they mean. But you might not know what they look like.

Let’s start with passive. Passive is usually applied to actions that do not confront the situation. People who exhibit passive behavior are usually trying to please the other person or at least say what they think the other person wants them to say or do. Passive people usually don’t like conflict or arguments and may be intimidated by others who are okay with it. In passive communication, pleasing the other person becomes the most important thing.

People who are described as aggressive would be people who seem to like conflict and might even seem to initiate a lot of arguments. These are sometimes people who use physical force against objects or even living animals or humans when they become angry. In aggressive communication, getting that ‘win’ becomes the most important thing.

Passive-aggressive is someone who doesn’t confront the situation head on and let the other person know that they are hurt or upset but they will do things behind the other person’s back in order to feel satisfaction. This might be not waking them up when you realize they are late for work, not doing dishes because you are frustrated that you feel like you are the only one ever doing them, only making/getting food that you like instead of what they like, etc. 

Assertive people don’t necessarily like conflict but they don’t just agree with something in order to avoid the conflict. They attempt to work it out in order to understand the conflict or miscommunication. In assertive communication, we let others know how they impacted us but without expecting submission from the other person or even complete apologetic behavior or admission that they were wrong. In assertive communication, it’s important to recognize that BOTH people’s feelings and communication are important.