Validation

So now that we know a little bit about filters, how do we use communication and prepare for these obstacles? While you will probably never be able to prepare for every obstacle that you encounter, you can learn to develop communication that minimizes the obstacles.

One of these is validation. When you think about validation, most people think about knowing that something is true. When a therapist speaks about validation, it’s in reference to one’s emotions. In communication, it’s about the other person.

So put it all together – and validation concerns verifying and understanding the other person’s emotions. This doesn’t mean that you agree with the other person. It means that you respect that another person is entitled to their own emotions – whatever emotional response it may be. You pick up those emotions, and you attempt to understand and you tell the other person that you understand.

• I can see how that would make you upset. 
• It sounds to me like you were really hurt when she told you that.
• I think that’s a natural emotional response.

If you tell someone something invalidating, such as, ‘You shouldn’t feel that way’ or ‘That’s not what I meant’ (yelling), they are likely to become defensive about their emotions and justify their responses because they have felt judged. Supporting their emotional reaction helps for you to show that person that you are on their side and want to help.

Another time that this is beneficial is that sometimes people just want to vent (typically females over males). Attempting to solve the problem by giving advice may frustrate the other person when they just want to be told that it’s okay to feel that way.