Conflict Resolution

A lot of people get nervous with how to word their concerns. It’s important to word things in a way that respects the other person’s feelings and point of view. Why? Well, with what we know about communication, we know that the other person probably didn’t hear or see the situation the same way that we did. They have a different perspective that impacted them in some way. But you can start by sharing your feelings/concern and then reaching for theirs.

To do this, it’s best to start with ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements have a distinct form to them with elements included that are meant to decrease blame and judgment on another person and hence decrease the chances of them feeling defensive. 

An ‘I’ statement looks something like this:

I feel __________ when ____________ (happens) because _________________. I would appreciate if ______________ can happen next time. What do you think?

• I feel___________: In the first space is your emotion. Remember to make sure that it’s an emotion and not a thought
• when ___________: State the concern specifically without using the word ‘you’ as much as possible
• because ____________________: Explain your opinion or add additional information here in order for you to share all the information. Don’t assume the other person is going to know this explanation
• I would appreciate if _______________ can happen next time: Offer a solution! This may not be the solution that you go with but it shows that you aren’t just going to bring up the problem and complain. You want to fix it!
• What do you think? This is probably the most important part. Asking for someone else’s feedback shows that interest – shows that person that you care about their opinion and want it!

Examples:

I feel frustrated when I come home and am expected to make dinner because I can’t do everything. I would appreciate if you could make dinner 2 nights during the week. What do you think?

I feel annoyed when I open the basement door and there are dirty clothes because I think someone might trip. I would appreciate if you would walk your clothes downstairs. Do you think you can do that or do you have a different idea?

I get mad when I’m asked to turn off my TV show because that’s the only time I get to relax. I would appreciate if we can carve out that time in the schedule to be just for me. Is that something you can agree to?

Using ‘I’ Statements takes practice. Create some yourself and write them down before saying them to someone else.