Forgiveness

What makes humans great is the ability to make up for mistakes and change for the most part. If the other person is willing to forgive you, you can talk about how you plan to do things differently so the same mistake doesn’t happen again. Then do it. Don’t just let it end at promises. Write down the things you are going to do differently if it helps you to remember them and stick to them. Hang it up where you will see it. If you don’t follow through, others may be less willing to forgive in the future – especially if it’s the same situation. 

Forgiveness may take time. The other person may want to forgive you, but there may be their own hurt and fear getting in the way. This might happen if they feel like you didn’t protect them or stick up for them or if you cheated on them. There is fear that the situation will be repeated – even if your behavior isn’t indicating that at the moment. This is because they were hurt and nothing can take that away right then. Being patient may be hard to do but that in addition to validating and supporting their feelings – and making your changes – will help to ease their pain and learn to trust again (more in next post).

Another part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Often, we feel that embarrassment and shame and when we know someone else is hurt because of our actions, it brings that shame back time and time again. However, nothing can take away the mistake and erase it. Accepting that you made the mistake, admitting to it, and making changes are the only way to improve. But forgiving yourself is also important. Otherwise, you’ll punish yourself time and again.

Admitting Mistakes

Nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. It’s much easier and feels much nicer to be right. But when it comes down to it, nobody is perfect. But even when we tell ourselves that rationally, everybody makes mistakes; it doesn’t take away the embarrassment of making that mistake. 

The fear that stops most people is that they may not be sure that someone else will forgive them. And because it takes a lot of guts and courage to admit to those mistakes, it’s an uncertainty that we often can’t predict the outcome. However, most people have found in the long run that others respect them more for admitting to their mistakes and they also respect themselves more. 

The number one thing to remember when admitting your mistakes is to acknowledge the effect on others. People rarely forgive or understand mistakes that others make if they are rationalizing their actions or making it about themselves. Examples might include, ‘I know this impacted you because it makes others view you/our relationship differently’ or ‘I can understand if you are upset but I’m hoping we can work through this’ or ‘I know how much these things meant to you and I hate that you must be hurting and I caused that hurt.’

One of the things about mistakes is the shame we feel inside. Everyone always has choices on how they handle this shame. You can choose to ignore the mistake and not own up to it. This puts you at a greater risk of repeating the mistake. Or you can own up to it and clear your conscience. Admitting the mistake is the first step at looking at what lead to the mistake and making changes for that mistake to never happen again.

Changing Expectations

After you have all of your information or even if you don’t have a lot, changing your expectations is the next step. You can do this in your head or you can write it out if you tend to be more visual. We already talked about recognizing what the expectations is. If the expectation was that they ‘should’ hold you when you are upset, say to yourself, ‘It would be nice if they would hold me, but I can get similar comfort by coming home and laying in bed by myself for 5-10 minutes. Then I can go and talk to him/her.’ Again, write it down if you need to. 

Reframing the expectation includes words such as ‘It would be nice if (this happened)...’ or ‘I wish they would (do this) but…’ The first part is taking the ‘should/should not’ out of the expectation/demand. The second part is phrasing how you are going to handle it by yourself. This is almost like the solution part of an ‘I’ statement but only in regards to yourself – not anyone else.

Just because you reframe your thought doesn’t mean that it just disappears though it does help to relax the expectation. It takes saying the new through over and over to yourself at times that the expectation comes up – and especially if you start feeling a reaction to your expectation. You may need to share with your partner how your progress is going. This way if you do get upset, they know you are working on it and might be able to provide you support and decrease their reaction to your feelings. Nobody is perfect and hopefully your partner doesn't just expect you to drop your thoughts, feelings, expectations, and reactions immediately. It's a process that takes time - just like their changes will take time as well.

Conflict Resolution – Non-Agreed Solution

We talked before about how thoughts and feelings affect your actions. Keep this in mind when you are living with another person. Even if you are in an intimate relationship with that person, they don’t always meet your expectations. They can’t read your mind and they may not agree to your requests – even if you have the best developed ‘I’ statement. Remember this when they don’t agree to your solution.

So if they don’t agree to the solution and a compromise does not seem to be in the making, the thing that may have to change is not the other person but your own expectation. This is no easy task but if you want your relationship to succeed, it may be something you have to at least attempt. 

The first step to changing your expectation is recognizing what that expectation is. Do you expect your significant other to hold you when you are upset? To do the dishes when you want them done? To give you words of encouragement when you discuss your family? 

Now let’s say that you have expressed these desired to your significant other with the appropriate respect and construction and there was no compromise that was going to make both people happy – whether you tried multiple solutions and none worked or there wasn’t one that your partner felt they were able to do. First and foremost, recognize the other person’s feelings. Attempt to understand their thoughts and thought process through clarifying questions is a must. The more information you have, the easier it is to come to terms with what is happening around you.

Your partner may not have answers to your questions. That doesn’t change the fact that your expectations may have to change. It just means that it might be difficult for them to word or even more difficult for them to change. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, people are hesitant to change because they think they will be doing all the changing. No one wants to be the only person putting in the effort. You might have to show them that you are going to put in effort too. Next post will discuss more about changing those expectations.

Conflict Resolution – Agreed Solution

However, let’s say that the other person does respond appropriately whether the first time or eventually. There’s still a ‘then what?’ All is well and perfect if the other person agrees to try your solution. Then, it’s just a matter of evaluating periodically if the solution is working for both parties. You can evaluate within yourself to see if you notice the change in the other’s behavior and to ask yourself how it makes you feel (good, bad, neutral). Did it solve your concerns? 

It’s important to also ask the other person how they feel the solution is going at different intervals. This helps to prevent any unshared negative emotions from building up and causing other problems or resentment. If you are happy with the results, you can preface this by saying something like, ‘I just want to make sure you are as happy as I am with this solution to (whatever the concern was). I noticed you were doing (changed behavior).’ This helps take the pressure off of someone else that might not be comfortable sharing negative emotions or concerns.

What if you aren’t satisfied with the results? It’s important to share that too and deal with any emotions. You might bring it up by saying something like, ‘I know we talked about changing (say the change). I hate to say this but I don’t think it’s working for me. I’m still feeing (name your feeling) when (this happens). What do you think?’ You are using the format of the ‘I’ statement again but recognizing that the other person did make a great effort in participating in the solution. It might take a couple different tried solutions in order to come to one that works for the both of you. But try them! Even if you don’t think it will work, it might be worth the try and effort.